I had a conversation with my daughter last night just before bed that gave me the idea for this entry. The details of the conversation do not matter, but the concept became something fascinating, as I would have never thought it would evolve in that way from where we started. I love to talk to people, just anyone, about anything, for this very reason. You never know what will unfold.
The concept I moved into a teachable moment with was: Are we responsible for another person’s happiness? My answer to that was an unequivocal “no”.
From a position as a divorced parent, this can be addressed from many facets. As we move through the divorce process, is it the responsibility of our friends and family to make us happy? While we were married, did this concept play any role in what happened? As we move on with life, regarding our kids how does this affect us? Can God make us happy?
I really come at this from the perspective of “God helps those who help themselves”. But as I discussed this with my daughter and found her struggling with the concept I realized that is because it is so intertwined with how we really look at things. I think being around happy people makes us happy, but that is very different than them accepting responsibility for our or another’s happiness. So when we are down from all the garbage from our divorce and friends and family are being nice and trying to cheer us up, whose fault is it if it fails? I think the key to working through this is to understand we always make choices about how we react to another person’s interaction. When someone cuts us off in traffic, we can curse them out, or we can wish them a better day in wherever they are headed off to in such a reckless fashion. The power of that choice is entirely in our hands. And therefore the emotional reaction we have to it is all in our control as well.
Teaching our children this key fact is our responsibility. To me this process is the core of God helps those. By making positive and proper choices and therefore impacting your emotions in a productive way, you allow God to work on your spirit and provide you with the guidance to find the way forward. The helping themselves therefore is not this monumental task of figuring out exactly how you are going to pay the bills this month, how to get the kids through college, how to deal with your teen daughter’s pregnancy; it is simply focusing on having a productive reaction to whatever happens. Then trust God to institute his help as He sees fit. To me this is a lot less daunting. You are not reliant on having a superior intellect, wellsprings of finance or powers of clairvoyance. You bring to the table yourself and your mindset and He does the rest. And you now can clearly see why you are never responsible for another person’s happiness. Only they can control that by the choices they make.
At the danger of sounding like Zig Ziglar, Anthony Robbins , Joel Osteen or any of the cheerleaders of success, the key to happiness in anyone is to get rid of stinkin’ thinkin’ (I am not claiming this as an original phrase. I heard it somewhere). I believe the responsibility for your happiness is squarely on your shoulders, and most specifically a bit higher up, in your head. The food pantry gave you a fifty pound bag of onions? Make French onion soup. The car broke down on the way to the job interview? Figure out what is most urgent and do it, but don’t kick and curse and scream and ask “why me?” I firmly think the act of taking responsibility and DOING something is the best medicine to being happy more often than being sad. It empowers you to feel that something can be done, rather than wallowing in what happened. It gives you the confidence that you are doing things rather than the withering feeling that things are being done to you. All of this is a choice you make thousands of times a day. Is your meddling ex going to irritate you or just be something you have to choose how to react to? Does trying to figure out why she does it really get you anywhere other than more miserable? Then why are you doing it? Do you really think God is going to strike down your ex, make him move out of state never to be heard from again, or fall into a drunken stupor and get arrested? Then why do you wish for it? Does it really help make you happy?
As hard as it is, I accept responsibility for my life and getting to where I’m at. I do not look for others to blame as it just leads to feeling powerless and sad. I take the high road in difficult choices as often as I possibly can, because when I think back on those choices, I’m happy. When I make a poor low road choice, I reflect on what I can learn to do something better later, and that helps make me happy. Food will not make me happy. A pill will not make me happy. Alcohol or drugs will not make me happy. Screaming at my ex will not make me happy. Bad mouthing them to my kids will not make me happy. Wishing or cheering when they fail or “get what’s due” will not make me happy. They all are low road choices, feeling good in the moment, but bitter later on. Most importantly, I realize no one can make me happy. It is my responsibility to build that feeling between my ears each and every moment (waking or sleeping) of each and every day of my life. Just realizing I have that control over this makes me happy. I hope it does the same for you.