No I’m not trying to sell all you fence dwellers on divorce. I will ALWAYS encourage anyone I meet to find another resolution to their maritial situation. Even with what I’m going to talk about today, divorce was terrible and lives were changed in ways I will only understand on my death bed. You will never hear from me that this was the best thing I ever did, because it was not.
It is easy to get caught up in the junk that is a divorce and its aftermath. There is always something else to attend to. There is always another message from your ex that makes you shake your head or causes you to have to take action. I wanted to take a little time today to share some of the things I have found that are a benefit of divorce.
Just doing what you want when you want, i.e. being single, is a big benefit. For many people that is one of the biggest reasons they never get seriously involved with anyone else again. I think it is critical for anyone considering marrying again that they are CERTAIN that this is something they can compromise on. I can imagine nothing worse than being married to someone who just makes decisions without regard for their spouse. I was married to someone like that. I found the biggest benefit was that it allowed me to understand what was really important to me to keep doing when I do get married so that I do not feel upset. For me that list is very short, honestly rather non-existent, but I tend to be more flexible than most I understand. If I can’t go see that movie I want to see on opening night, I can go the next day or the next weekend. No bother. My friend’s brother on the other hand might melt if that happened, so he tends to push away some ladies because of that. I’m sure some of you are or were married to guys who had to play golf every Sunday, or spend nine hours attached to the couch during football season. If that works for you that’s great, but if you walk around all day wanting to be with them and being miserable because they are not, learning that about yourself is a big step.
Another benefit, though some might not see it that way, is to change your perspective. I used to eat out four nights a week. I would go see a movie each week. I spent money on other things over the years such as DVDs and thought they made me content. What I realized when I could no longer afford those things either as my marriage was ending or it was over, was that I was using those things as a distraction to mask what I understood was reality. When my ex and I spent time together it was usually not pleasant because there was an underlying current of ennui. We went to dinner because we “should” have a date night, not because we wanted to. She also did not want to cook and I was too tired to cook every night, especially when the gratitude of the receiving party was overshadowed by the level of happiness of Grumpy the dwarf. Women complain about their ungrateful husbands after they slaved away for hours over a hot stove. Believe me I fully understand and have felt your pain. Now doing things with our new family is much more enjoyable because it’s not an exercise in covering up. How many nights have I just sat in bed with tears of joy at the fun day we’d all shared? Plenty lately and it’s wonderful. I had the most glorious Christmas Day at my soon-to-be-sister-in-laws house. What did we do? Have dinner an just hang around. Sounds boring? Not to me, who grew up with Christmas Day’s like that, but has not had one in almost ten years because the crap of making it happen with my ex was just not worth it. I understand my kids might not be as nostalgic and excited for that, especially since most of them are too young to recall a really fun family time, but I hope they will see and embrace the difference. First try at that will happen in a day. Getting back to my story, I was sitting in the corner of the room tearing up realizing how much I had missed that stuff and just thanking God that He had gotten me to a place where it was possible. The opportunity to have those changes in perspective are a benefit of divorce.
One of the things I learned too which I almost feel guilty about is that being divorced gives you kid free time. My guilt stemmed from the fact that I got this needed down time even though I was not looking for a divorce. It almost felt like a consolation prize from God or something. “Congratulations! You’ve just gone through a broken marriage! As your parting gift you get to enjoy four days every two weeks to be an adult.” In our case where we can our visitation schedules match up, so that means for three days every two weeks our house will have no children in it from either of us. That is a benefit even originally married couples can only fantasize about as even well-meaning grandparents will not usually commit to an every other week weekend at Grandma’s. Marriage counselors stress the need for adult only time to keep the marriage alive. Keeping the focus on the adults and making sure they are happy results in a more stable family, says an author I recently read, John Rosemund. It’s almost as if follow marriage come with an added benefit to try to give you better odds. I like that, but am at the same time saddened at how selfish people can be that even with that they still have a higher failure rate. I know, I know there’s a lot more to a solid relationship than alone time. I also understand that a LOT of divorces result in one parent abandoning the kids entirely and vanishing and not allowing for any shared parenting at all. Our situation is not the same as every divorce, but given some of the darker underbelly of both our situations, it’s nice to find a silver lining like this one.
blendeddad 