Archive for February, 2014

“What is love Oh baby, don’t hurt me” — Haddaway
source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/onehitwonders/whatislovelyrics.html

It is that time of year, Valentine’s Day, when the thoughts of many turn to love.  As I reflect back over the last few days it’s really astounding how many interactions had some portion of this “what is love” piece in it , but only if you bothered to look.

When I speak with Marcia, I run into this situation a lot.  For the last few years, no matter what the topic our conversation seems to have one gear; confrontation.  Even a conversation this week about trying to not have confrontation in our conversations quickly turned into confrontation.  I write it off in many cases to a bit of teenage angst, however that would be to give too much credit or excuse to a simple answer.  Another part of it with Marcia is personal struggles and her trying to find herself.  Because I love her, I help with guidance, with a counselor and I continue to engage in what I invariably know will be confrontation because I love her.  I make a choice to love.

Love for me is reflected in caring, in genuine interest in how another’s life progresses.  This is why I do what I do with Marcia, and why I do what I do with anyone else in my life that I have love for.  I struggle with all this societal focus on how one “feels” when in love and that if you don’t “feel” something then you are not in love or not loving someone.  If there is one thing I have learned in going through divorce and a rocky marriage prior to that it is that giving into that belief is the shortest road to making sure you are not in love.  Why?  Because love takes conscious decisions each and every day to sacrifice, to think differently, to work.  In my years of working through my own divorce and then supporting others through theirs, I find that God, as always, made it very simple for us.  There are two reasons given in the Bible for divorce and after that there are none.  The myriad of reasons people give for divorce, many of which involve, “but I don’t love them anymore” are not supported by God, and what I have come to realize, is that is because all the rest involve understanding what is love.

Disney and eHarmony, The Bachelor and most romantic movies have it wrong.  It’s not a spark, a feeling in your gut, a slowing down of time and space.  All those things can happen when you love, but they are a result of the love not an indicator that love has happened.  I feel deep in my bones the love for my wife, but it was not what occurred the moment I met her and showed me that I loved her.  This is the fallacy and the fantasy that we are asked to buy into and that results in so many people feeling that are not in love.  No what I’ve been talking about here is certainly romantic love as a husband feels for their wife, but there are other loves that are just as critical; those for our children and friends and others we choose to keep close to us.  All this love must be nurtured by a constant set of choices to not let Satan intervene and drive our selfish desires to convince ourselves that we are not loving this individual.

There are things one does for love and if you understand love you do them not for a reciprocation but just because you love that person.  When I made certain I shoveled the walkway of the tiny bit of snow we had before Peter when off to school this morning it was an act of love.  When I understood that when we returned from Toys R Us last night at Peter’s bedtime and to let him stay up for a bit to play with the toys he was so excited about and would not be able to play with because he goes back to Bert’s the next day, that’s an act of love.  I’m not doing them to get praise or notice; I’m doing them because I care about Peter and love him.  Is it the same way I love my wife?  Certainly not, but love drives the caring actions.

I’ve said time and again, that my first marriage failed because as I understand now we were never really in love.   We were in the world’s view of love.  We had fun, had sex, and shared space.  What we did not have was a genuine caring for each other’s desires, to work through troubles.  I for certain also did not understand what is love.  I had bought into the world’s version and paid the price for it in a broken marriage for I had not chosen a mate with God’s eyes but with man’s eyes.  I learned those lessons as only God can teach them, straight forward and direct.  People get confused and say God is not clear, but what can be more clear than Deuteronomy 11:26-28a:

26 “See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse : 27 the blessing, if you listen to the commandments of the LORD your God, which I am commanding you today ; 28 and the curse, if you do not listen to the commandments of the LORD your God, but turn aside from the way which I am commanding you today

To love is to work through those challenges and use them to strengthen your relationships and not drive you apart.  In the love we focus on today, romantic love, God makes clear in Genesis about marriage and the leaving of the father and mother and cleaving together as one.  Nowhere in the Bible does it state that we are to get upset when our spouse does not want to let us watch the ball game or when we leave the toilet seat up or when a word is said in selfish anger.  We are to love as God loved and to show mercy and forgiveness and work to reconcile the hurt that may have been done.  Follow the commandments of the Lord and we are blessed; listen not and we are cursed.  Open your Bibles and begin at the start.  Satan first attacked marriage with Adam and Eve and then he attacked the home with Cain and Abel.  From these roots flow all the problems in our world today.  By not understanding what is love and instead engaging in the selfish desires of the flesh we make poor decisions.  Love requires effort and choice.  Eve did not show love by not thinking about the impact on her husband and on her God by what she chose to do to further a selfish desire to know.  Cain did not show love to Abel by giving in to the selfish fallacy that God would not love both him and his brother.  Adam did not love his family by choosing to make the choice to follow Eve’s false path instead of leading and correcting the direction and so his family suffered.  By not understanding what is love, roots of problems grow into mighty oaks.

My last example is a gentleman I work with.  He has been dating a woman and it appears to me that while she is hoping for marriage, this man is not working to love in a way that will make that possible or successful.  This woman is not first in his thoughts nor even mentioned in conversations about family and friends.  He has said hurtful words to her accusing her of selfish behavior that seem to have no bearing in fact but instead seem to be a selfish way of distancing himself from her and removing responsibility for the failure of the relationship.  He is doing what I have seen countless men do in their life, choose their selfish desires of doing it his way and not making sacrifices and living for the service of others, and in the process not understanding what love is.  I do not know enough about this man’s relationship with this woman to really determine much, but what I do know if the fruit of what I heard from him in the last few days would make me seriously question if love is understood outside of the context of self.

God has taught me a lot of hard lessons about love.  He has done the same for my wife.  He has brought us together and we are doing our best to teach what we know to our children.  On this Valentine’s Day lets all do our part to make the world a better place by making sure we first learn what love is, and more importantly what it is not.  It is not selfish, focused on passions and passing things.  It grows every day, but only through conscious effort and work.  It is so easy to fall into focus on negatives of those around us and to internalize them and make them what we think of when we see them in our mind’s eye.  It clouds our actual vision by placing a filter over what we see.  We miss the little things they are doing to love.  After I have a confrontation with Marcia, she usually will show love by doing something I suggested.  Even if she does it in a snotty, teenage way she still does it.  I could let the bad behavior, the language and the rebelliousness be the definition of what I feel for her and how I treat her, but in my trials God has shown me what is love.  I provide gracious forgiveness and continue to guide her in the commandments of our Lord.  I support my wife in the trials of her life and make decisions to avoid creating more stress.  If I look through God’s eye and not man’s eye the choices are clear.  They are not always easy, but they are clear.  I may want to purchase some material thing but understand that the right choice is to make the sacrifice and wait until later as making the choice now would add stress.   If you want to know you are rich, do not count your money, count your blessings.  Count those you love and learn and decide to love them more and you will never be wasting your resources.

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