Archive for November, 2015

I have shared in many posts the challenges with raising our children.  For any parent who tries to do the best they can, what I have shared is nothing new.  The fact that it is a daily struggle to find the right path is well known to the weary parental traveler.

My most recent challenge has been a good one, but what I want to share is my thoughts on it.  Praise God that for whatever reason, and I certainly do not even begin to claim is it because of my superior tactics, above average grasp of psychology or any other doing of mine, several of our kids have suddenly show signs of “getting it” when it comes to the life lessons my wife and I work so hard to impart to them.  It is my regular view into how God works that I am thankful for every time it happens.

But I also know that if I try to claim responsibility, if I take the moral high ground, take on airs or do anything to say, “I am Dad, hear me roar!” that it will most likely be the beginning of the end in this cool state of affairs I find myself in.  I have to keep reminding myself every time I want to pump my fist and shout, “Yes!”, that I need to swallow that down and continue to be humble.  I do that because I think that is a huge part of why this might be moving in the right direction.  God regularly provides examples of how the prideful fall, and I know my Bible well enough to remember that.  This guy is not going to get clubbed to death by that method if he can help it.

As with many things I talk about in this blog, I do not think this area of parenting is unique to divorced parents other than that we have a bigger cast of characters and possible antagonists than an intact family.  The blending process places those exes in the mix and when they are not working with you it spices the stew, that’s for sure.

What has been happening lately from both Bert and Nan’s camps is that the kids are coming back and being more open about that shortcomings they are starting to become more aware of.  Is it their increasing maturity, any things to watch out for in life that we have imparted that they are seeing their other parents do, so something else, I really do not care.  I am just enjoying the fact that it is happening and am not going to ruin it by shooting off fireworks.

Now don’t get me wrong, my wife and I may celebrate, sometimes quite raucously, when were are not in the vicinity of our offspring, but I have become very comfortable with just having a high five between God and I when something happens.

I had mentioned a conversation with Marcia recently about budgeting.  She wanted to know about credit scores and she had heard of them but did not understand them.  After several other money topics she said, “As long as you are alive, I’m just going to call you when I have a question about money.”  Rather than take the bait, I made sure to add, “I can just explain things to you when you want, it’s really just basic math in most cases.”  It really is pretty simple.  It’s only the folks who want to take advantage of the fear that money, or the lack of, creates, to make it seem like you need to buy their program or attend their seminar to have any hope of not totally blowing your finances up.  She explained that she knows her mom is a mess with money and so she never asks her anything.

Similarly, Bert’s oldest seem to be getting the absurdity of the life and lifestyle of their father.  He recently decided to bring in another woman with two children into his house.  The story is she is a truck driver and had now been gone for weeks while the two eleven and under children are left with Bert.  Bert has decided to pass the child care duties off to the two daughters rather than have the adult son who lives with him handle anything.  This is so Bert can nap it seems as when you have no job I guess it makes you tired.  Jan and Bobbi are not too thrilled with this latest development, with Cindy actually coming by to pick up her two siblings the last weekend and instead choosing to just hang out at our house because she had no desire to go back to Frick and Frack (I guess that’s what I’ll call these two additions to our story, though I do hope they really do not stay around long enough to warrant naming).  It was another high five moment my wife and I had in the security of our own company, but one that was tempered with the fact that it does sound like the situation is highly stressful to the kids but Bert is too big of a buffoon to see or care.

It is just really nice to see that doing the right thing is starting to pay dividends in the kids noticing that it is our house, in fact, that is doing the right thing while the other two provide comic relief.  Many times I felt like no matter what we did it would be overridden by Bert and Nan and the impact of their carefree lifestyles.  Nan has had some reality checks recently and since she is not so uncaring of consequences as Bert is it has just made her more angry.  After a blow up within an hour after they arrived at Nan’s on one of their last visits I had encouraged Cindy to let Nan know how her acting this way made her feel.  Cindy’s response was “Cause that’s totally worked in the past.  It’s really fine I’ve learned just to not talk.”   At least we can try to provide a more amenable experience when they are at our house.

I know that gloating or otherwise sharing with the kids how nice it is that they realize that our house it really not that bad and that our ways are not so horrid would just mess everything up.  Staying humble and not even getting to excited about it between my wife and I is just the right thing to do and I feel like God is rewarding us for our obedience.  We cannot do anything to lessen the problems at their other houses, we can just do our best in the spheres of our control.  We finally have some consistent fruit that that simple formula seems to be working.

Through my work in the divorce ministry I get the privilege to take a more intimate part if some people’s lives than would be expected with strangers.  Many times the pain and struggles people face are worked through and they emerge on the other side stronger and better as the Lord intended.  I understand my role in this process is to simply be the one who can share wisdom gained from having traveled the road they are on ahead of them.

There are times, however, that the road someone is on is not one I have traveled and one I have difficulty understanding because I have no parallel experience I can pull from.  At times I can try to empathize and learn what is happening but there are limits to what our program can achieve as we are not professionals in helping to deal with serious issues.  We encourage and press our participants at that time to seek professional help, but we cannot compel and so it is difficult when someone is battling the demons within and there is little else we can do other than be an ear to listen.

Such has been the journey of a recent participant in our program, Scott.  I met Scott a year ago when he arrived at the DivorceCare session I was assisting with and he seemed to be in a decent spot given the recent timeframe of his divorce which had only completed a few months prior.  He had a job, had friends and had showed up to our program to help himself heal and be the best he could be for his son.

What came out over the next few weeks was a struggle that Scott was having that went into one of those areas I could not share direct of parallel wisdom on because it was so far from my situation.  Scott has an addiction to pornography.  I have never been drawn to porn nor have I been addicted to anything, so the associations I could try to pull from were things I had read or just a general understanding.  Scott was also drawn to a very bad relationship that he explained to use he knew was destructive but that he was unable to stay away from.  It involved too much drinking and too much sex that led Scott to some dark places and while he wanted to stay away for the sake of his son, he was drawn back in part because this woman also had a child that his son befriended and would ask about in the times when Scott had broken off contact after a particularly bad incident or situation.

During the session Scott reached out and wanted to begin some Bible study so I met with him at his home to begin a general discipleship process.  We met for a couple hours, but even during it I could see Scott was struggling, and we spent most of the time discussing his feelings there.  He was thinking about how different this was from what his friends would be doing and it was very boring to him.  I shared what was on my heart about the process but in the end I left feeling like Scott would not continue and he did not.  I sent a very long e-mail to my pastor asking for some guidance as I could not help but feeling responsible for the failure of Scott to grasp on to something that I felt would help give him the strength to see the destruction the porn and the toxic relationship were having on him and his son.  My pastor explained that I had done everything I could and that it was in God’s hands to work out with Scott if there would be more there between them.  Shortly thereafter Scott stopped coming to the DivorceCare sessions.  I continued to try to encourage him to come but he wanted to practice with his band and they met on the same night we did.  I explained that I felt the most important things he could do was heal.  I did not want to push him away but I also knew that I must speak truth or I was no better than the superficial friends he had that were guiding him down a dark path.

My wife and I are now trying to get a divorce ministry started in our own church so we have made the decision that we could not continue with the program I have helped with for four years.  Scott came back this last session and the leader reached out to me to be his accountability partner to monitor an app that will e-mail me if he goes to any questionable sites.  It has been five weeks now and nothing unacceptable has been flagged, so that is good, but I am saddened to see that over a year later Scott is in the same place he was, struggling with the demon of pornography.  He has made the step of trying to do something to stop, but he did share we me he has used this app before.  The difference he shared was that he picked a bad accountability partner.  I hope Scott sheds the pull of this vice forever, but if he returns and I see behavior and call it to his attention, will he just ignore the warnings and fall back into the darkness?

This is where not having the parallel makes it hard.  If I see something is bad for me I have always been able to walk away.  I call it will power or determination, but it is the same struggle I face with my kids when I explain to them how to stop doing something or associating with someone who is hurting them.  I cannot empathize with Scott about how hard it is to walk away because I have never been addicted to anything and it has never had that draw on me.  Therefore I cannot offer first hand guidance on what worked for me.  I feel a bit like an AA advisor who never was an alcoholic.  Every Thursday when the report comes out I offer praise for another good week but other than the first week, Scott had not replied to these messages.  I know how easy it will be for him to simply ignore me if he does regress.   The DivorceCare session he is in now will end in a few weeks and then he will be alone with the same struggles he has voiced to the leader this time around, which are the same ones he voiced the first time around; he feels stuck, he wants to not feel miserable.  This is where we pointed him to professionals.  For whatever reason he has not taken that step.  I know there is nothing I can do beyond that guidance, the old you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.  Just as I could not open Scott’s heart to a longing to learn about God’s Word no matter how eloquent I was about the glory on the other side, I get that in the end whether Scott succeeds or fails in his attempt to remove porn from his life is not in my control.  That does not make it any easier for me.  I know I will still be disappointed and will wonder if there is anything I could have done differently to help him choose.  I think part of what makes it easy for me to stay away from vices is that I see the despair and pain that those vices cause others.  I just want to grab Scott by the shoulders and shout, “What’s so hard?  Man up and just walk away and never look back!”, but I know that’s not how it works, and the fear that I cannot grasp why that is not how it works combats any desire that might spark up in me to head down a path.  People “experiment” with things, but how many fail in that experiment and never come out the other side?  Far too many.    So the parallel I get from this is that Scott and I are both just men.  If a man like him cannot shake the demons after the struggle I have seen, it helps me to understand why it is important to stay far away from those temptations for my path might not be any easier if I entered those depths as well.  That I it the piece I can empathize with here, and ultimately that may be all that God wants me to get from this experience.

The seeming monotony of life day to day makes it hard to see the forest for the trees.  As a child every day may be full of wonder as so many things are still new.  I had a conversation with Marcia driving back home the other day where she mentioned she had no idea how to even figure out “spending in life”.  When I asked what she meant, she just said, “you know like how do you live from day to day and know what things cost”.  It led to a conversation on budgeting, but it showed one of those glimpses into the fact that even as she approaches eighteen there are still a lot of things that will be firsts for Marcia.

One of the things that I have been dealing with and that has hung over our family for a while is a lawsuit about a house I sold many years back.  I was sued by the new owners in 2012 and after they appealed many times all the way up to our state’s Supreme Court we have finally come to the end here in 2015.  Asides from the gobs of money this process consumed to defend myself against something totally fabricated the emotional energy of having that hanging over me was immense.  I went to work, lived my life, and when I look back it seems like an extraordinary effort to move through it, but with God’s help to lean on it was not.  It is these types of things that when I pause to reflect show the extraordinary of the ordinary.

In my ordinary, I’ve gone through a divorce, moved states two times, had to dig out of tens of thousands in credit card debt my wife had amassed, lost a job and been told another is on the way out, and been accused of activities I did not commit.  It is usually only when I share my story with others that they stare at me in amazement and say something along the lines of “Wow, you’d have never known you had such and such in your life.  You seem like you have it all together.”  That I think is the extraordinary in the ordinary for every one of us.  We all have events, challenges and trials that very few know about and that we move through.  If we are not drowned by them, like some unfortunately are when they let a setback, or two or five, define their lives and never rise above, the world my never know, except for those times we choose to share.

The flipside are those many blessings that come of them and that only strengthen my faith in God as the one in control.  Some things I never see and even the ones I do I may tie together with coincidence that is not really there but that my frail human mind grasps for to show the good from the bad.  The biggest is how my divorce and everything leading up to it and after played out for a better result than I could have ever imagined.  A wonderful new wife and family that I could have never foresaw in the depths of years of trying, failing, and trying again to create a marriage out of a house of toothpicks.  It seems that at least in my case God gives me enough blessings to overshadow the struggles so that I have something to lean on and point me to Him when the next trial comes along.  The lawsuit and my current struggles trying to find out what my next act in my career will be after the current door has been closed are just the latest in my life, but when I am having a down day I just need to look back, and my wife is great at pointing it out to me, and see how other situations I felt were hopeless were worked out in ways I could have never imagined.  That faith that we live for an awesome God for who nothing is impossible and who is in control is a glorious thing.

The daily slog when we talk to all our kids and it seems like nothing is sticking in that weird mass of teenage brain only to suddenly have them say or do something that just baffles you is another regular bit of extraordinary that I have given up trying to predict or explain, at least for the most part.  My type A personality makes it almost impossible for me not to keep trying to figure it out, but I definitely have gotten better at just giving it to God.

 

So the struggles continue and I just keep praying that I will be granted to patience and wisdom to let them play out without meddling more than God wants me to.