Archive for the ‘Drugs’ Category

Normally when I reference another post, I’ve got something to add.  In this case there is nothing more to say other than READ THIS.  I have followed Leigh’s blog (incaseimgone) for quite some time and she is always insightful and very thought provoking.  I hope sharing this will allow you to think about how you in your life can help improve the world we live in by making changes to stop the situations she refers to.  Especially if you are a man and reading my blog, take the time to understand what Leigh has to say on this topic and make sure you and the people you influence in your lives, children and other men, get it.

Oh what fun life can have for us at times.  You ever feel like you are watching a train wreck, but can do nothing to stop it?  This is where we are at today.

We have been having an ongoing situation with one of our kids that is coming, or I guess has come, to a head in the last few days.

Marcia, our oldest, has been pushing her boundaries and rebelling strongly for several months.  She is going to a counselor and we have been doing what we felt we could to enforce consequences and keep her in line. 

Recent developments are she and Jan has been experimenting with witchcraft and was told in the fall that we would not condone this in anyway in the fall when we found out about it.  Nan was always into fortune telling and other such practices so was little help in discouraging her.  After Memorial Day weekend one of the other kids told us that Marcia was trying to smoke something in the woods behind the house prior to Memorial Day.  She told us it was kitchen spices.  The next day her room was searched and nothing relating to that was found but a few bottles with liquid and herbs labeled with their uses for summoning witches and the like were found under Marcia’s bed and she was told she was losing a party for school friends she had been planning for end of the school year because she disobeyed the rule to keep witchcraft out of the house.  This Monday she asked if she could instead go to get frozen yogurt with a few friends.  After being told she was grounded that day and she could not simply exchange one activity for another, she was upset and texted Nan to complain.  Nan then proceeded to text me to intervene on her behalf.  When confronted with this, Marcia lied and said she had not talked to Nan.  Her consequence then was to lose her phone and iPod touch for the night and she refused and was so confrontational it was obvious she wanted things to escalate to a physical confrontation.  We told her if she did not back down and stop we would be calling the police, which we eventually did.  They arrived and explained the consequences and that if parents feel they cannot control an unruly child any other way what we did was appropriate.  Her counselor also agreed this was the right course of action when we let her know what had happened.  She was belligerent in front of the officer to the point that he made it clear to him that with her behaving the way she was in front of him, when most people are on their best behavior, he could only imagine what she must be like when he is not there.  At one point during this whole episode she said she wanted to go live with Nan and that Nan was going to work on that.  Nan had been aware of all these goings on as we had kept her informed and that night we called her to fill her in on the latest episode. In that conversation I directly asked Nan if she wanted to go down that route and she said she was not interested in Marcia living with her but that she never wanted her to feel that she didn’t love her.

For the last two days, Marcia has been giving us the silent treatment.  At her last meeting with the counselor she expressed that she hated living with us and wanted to go to Nan’s.  She was told to make a pros and cons list for both houses to discuss with us if it came to that and Nan let me know she had called her to tell her about that.  Nan claimed she gave her a whole list of cons.  Normally they would not go over to her until after 6 pm tonight.  Nan has asked if they could pick her up straight from school because she wants to have a “good conversation” with her.  I called her to discuss and her intent is to make sure Marcia knows she “loves her” but that she would have all kinds of things that would change like schools and friends and such.  I feel saying anything more than we understand her frustration but her situation is what it is with visitation and we still feel that is best just gives a teenager hope they can change it.  In the end Nan said she would tell her that “in her own way”, which in my time with her always just confused the kids and gave false hope. 

The background is that Nan has said several times, either to the kids directly or to me, that she wishes she never had them.  I do not believe she has any interest in making the change but she also is driven to appear like the good person and twist it in a way that she is not to blame.  I have no issue with her blaming us whatever.  I just think with a rebellious teenager this is not a good approach and will only escalate things.  If ultimately it were to change, Nan’s history makes me feel she will simply allow Marcia to do what she wants with no consequences or guidance and this is why Marcia wants to live with her; because she knows Nan will let her do whatever she wants.  We also feel there is shoplifting involved and there was an incident around that this weekend where they came back from the mall with a few items even though they had no money and claimed friends bought them but they have no proof.  We also found a letter where the two oldest were conspiring about “a better way to steal”.  We found another letter last night where Marcia shares that she tried booze at a friend’s house. 

The feedback we have from her counselor is Marcia is extremely resentful of Nan for the years she spent with her and how she was treated.  She has been trying to work with Marcia to get through these issues without lashing out but right now Marcia is ignoring all the tools and suggestions she has given her, effectively rebelling against her counselor as well.  She feels this is a critical point in her life where she is making the choice of which path it will take and she is fighting against our household that has consequences for her actions because Nan never enforced any and when I was at work or traveling the consistency in discipline was not there.  She has only really had that since my wife and I were married because even prior to that she was at home alone while I was at work and could do things she shouldn’t.  If I ever caught her she was punished, but if she was doing things she hid them well because it was very infrequent.

In the end, we trust God has the control that we do not have.  Divorce always makes things fun. We are not only faced with the problem of a rebellious teenager, we have the added issues of two ex spouses who are not at all on the same page with us on how things should be handled and who we have no control over.  Consequences such as refusing to allow her to get her driver’s license, which even the police officer agreed is the “golden ticket”, are not available to us when the other parents have told us if we try to delay for six months or something then they will just take the kids to get their permit and license.  This is just one of the unique challenges we face.  About a year before our divorce, Nan and I had an argument that strung out over three weeks because she wanted me to agree that she should go out with her co-workers and try pot because she wanted to see what it was like.  This is a woman in her late 30s talking to me about pot the way a teenager would.  Do you see why I have little faith that she would support our decision to tell Marcia that drugs are absolutely not to be toyed with? 

I know text does not express anything but the words.  There is no tone, no body language.  My wife and I are calm.  We are certainly disappointed, but we know we have been doing everything possible to set the right tone, provide the right guidance and parent as we should, but we are not in a frenzy about this because we know God will work this out as He wants it to be resolved.  I may not agree with His choices or what results, but I know he has the ball.  As a divorced parent that is the only way I can cope with this; knowing that the other parent is wanting to be a friend and not a parent and therefore will ultimately give in to whatever Marcia wants to do, maybe even to the point of offering to experiment with pot together with her so they can be “besties”, for example.  I witnessed this type of giving in all through my marriage and it broke the ability to consistently discipline.  Now in the context of divorce where there is even less influence over that other parent, all I can do is trust God.

I’ll get into more of what we are concerned about and why we think this has to potential to really screw up Marica’s life in the next post.  The stage has been set so to speak, the train is coming, and I’ll explain the impending train wreck I see next time.