I contend that the process of healing during and after a divorce is the most difficult thing a person can go through. Death has a finality to it where our loved one passes on and we move through the grieving process, and periodically think of them on special occasions perhaps, but it does not linger longer than we allow. Loss of a job has a solution of finding other means of income, whether it be a new job, career or some more entrepreneurial option. Serious, chronic health issues may ebb and flow, and are probably the only thing I can think of that compete with divorce.
The dividing line of what pushes divorce over the top, is in all the above mentioned cases, there are supporting structures in place to help you. Family embraces you wholeheartedly in most cases to comfort and support. Church groups and other non-religious aligned entities exist to assist. Today, failing marriages and divorce does not really have that. Ask anyone who has gone through the process and you will find a variation on the theme, but it is nearly universal. Family and friends do not know what to do with you, and stay out of squabbles because it is “none of their business”. More amazingly many churches and groups seem to be taking the same stance. In the rush to keep the coffers full, and therefore the seats occupied, the very institutions that should be holding us accountable have started to coddle us just as the rest of society does.
Those of us with kids see it every day. Everyone is a winner. Everyone needs to get a trophy, ribbon or trinket so they feel special. Guess what? If everyone is special, then no one is. Teachers are no longer allowed to discipline in any way for fear of hurting some poor child’s feelings and incurring the wrath of a parent who may arrive with an attorney in tow to beat down the system again. When I was a kid my parents need to sign permission slips for me to go on a field trip so that if I injured myself doing something stupid it would properly be deemed my responsibility and not the school’s. Today I need to sign forms to watch a Revolutionary War educational film because it contains scenes of violence and war and I need to sign a form that the same book I read as a child for a book report is not somehow psychologically damaging to my child (i.e. giving them a nightmare) and that if it somehow does happen I do not go back and sue the school for having the book available. If you look really deep down in yourself you can begin to see that you truly feel that we have gone too far as well.
The arguments about the divorce rate are everywhere. I have seen some reports saying it is as high as 54%, and some saying the true number is 41%. I have seen discussions talking about the actual rate compared over time being constant since 1955 and therefore not an issue that is getting worse. I don’t care what the real rate is, it’s too high. My contention is that it is undoubtedly more socially and, dishearteningly, more religiously acceptable. Churches refuse to take a stand and when they do they do it at the wrong place. I heard from one woman who was told specifically by her Bible study group that she was no longer welcome as it was a married woman’s group and now that she was divorced she might encourage others in the group to want to leave their marriages. So because of the fear of “catching” a divorce, a support structure this woman had relied on for over fifteen years was no longer available. The pastor of this church supported the decision and went so far as to indicate that the congregation really did not know what to do with her. She felt so abandoned she looked for another church home. Is this how the church should take a stand? By ostracizing someone who needs support rather than holding her husband accountable for his choice to leave because his marriage was no longer as fun as it was in the beginning?
Where are the church leaders and the church body at large, holding people accountable for their marriages? I don’t mean the lip service we hear in sermons talking about how we must stay married, we must love and respect one another (though respect does not make it into many sermons, they just think love is enough) and that divorce is bad. The coddling of issues in society has now made it perfectly OK to get divorced for any reason. Bored with your spouse? Trade them in for a new one. Frustrated that dinner is not on the table or that your husband does not make as much money as your neighbor? Get divorced! Living with your girlfriend because your wife won’t have sex with you? Hell, that’s perfectly OK! Get divorced and make it official! Marriages end for the stupidest of reasons and the church stands back and does nothing because they fear more defections from their congregations and therefore less income. When it becomes known that adultery is occurring in a marriage, why does the pastor not pick up the phone, visit the office or contact the guilty party and seriously call them out for their choices? Why do family and friends look the other way? Even more offensive, when a couple is drifting apart for superficial reasons, like boredom, fatigue, or my favorite cop out “irreconcilable differences” why does no one push back? Yes, people I’m talking about full out guilt here. This is not “I don’t like Jose Canseco so I’m going to trade him for an Andre Dawson card” or “I don’t like blue so can I have your pink Barbie swimsuit for my doll” yet it has now become totally acceptable to just not care as we see terrible choices unfolding. Yes, relationship and especially marriage is hard. It’s meant to be. That’s how we grow. But in the world of “me, me, no god dammit ME!” our friends let us, no ENCOURAGE us, to sit around and lament the fact that we no longer feel fulfilled, comfortable, happy in our marriage. You should walk away, after all that couple in Hollywood was just married three weeks and they did the same. Why should you not do that to? Does anyone ask what are YOU doing to make that happen? Does your spouse know that you feel this way? Like it or not, we choose how we feel about something. It has become all the vogue these days to say things like “He makes me unhappy”. Sorry, but the reality is you choose to be unhappy with what occurs, he’s just doing something,but not causing your unhappiness. You are doing that yourself. Are your friends and church making you understand your responsibility? If not, why not? If you have friends who hold you accountable, cherish them, thank them every chance you get for being brutally honest when needed, and give them the same in return.
Now, there are legitimate issues that cannot be resolved and the Bible allows for divorce in certain situations, but my concern is that the very people we look to to help us have increasingly been failing in demanding that for lesser situations that we do not simply throw in the towel. And then if we try to keep our marriage together but our spouse chose to leave we get no support from these people to heal. Instead there is a form of confusion. You are now single, tainted and a large number of people treat you as a social leper. No longer invited or supported.
It is becoming increasingly more difficult to find these people, and I fear it may not be because they are simply being quiet for fear of being marginalized in their own right, but that instead it is because less of us really feel that it is our duty to hold people to a higher standard. God expects us as Christians to shine as a light in the world, yet how many put a lampshade on ourselves and shine in a tiny light around ourselves afraid to let the world see? I was recently encouraged to go see the film “Courageous”. I had read about the film and saw it was about being a solid father and not abandoning your kids. I thought, “I’ve not done that. This movie has little value for me.” I was not going to go, but my girlfriend really wanted to see it as she had heard the same recommendations from church associates as I had. Out of love for her, I chose to attend. I was glad I did as I learned a few things I could improve in my life. Take the lampshade off and let your family and the world see what you stand for. Sadly the message in the general populace is more clear.
In 1957, the Ten Commandments was released and it was the highest box office of that year. Its adjusted gross makes it the fifth highest ever. If that film were released today, it would maybe make a few million as Courageous has. A significant cause of this was summed up well in the film. One can argue about the specific presentation, if it was too heavy handed and dramatized, if it was all too nicely tied up with a ribbon as we demand all our entertainment to be today. The film says men have stopped being courageous and teaching their families about the importance of God. Look back at the papers in 1957. They were full of glowing reviews of the film. Today it is made fun of as “Bible thumping” and such. Therefore a religious film is something to be made fun of in the press at large today.
Taken with a broader view, the cause is that it has become acceptable in our society to place God in a corner and take our lampshade and walk over and shine our light only there once in a while. We can’t talk about God at work, at school, and because of that pressure anywhere else. And sadly what this has turned into is that we can’t talk about God in church. The largest divorce support group in my area takes place in a church but is not remotely based on God in anyway. It’s now called the Power of One and just adds to the debate that all we need is ourselves and maybe a relationship with God. They say they do this to be inclusive, but in doing so they continue to add to the public debate that it is OK to marginalize God and place him in a corner. After all, if this huge church does it, it’s OK, right? We complain of the dumbing down of America. I sadly look at the dumbing down of God. Too many congregations make it easy to participate. They do not hold their members accountable. They do not demand a certain level of conduct of their members. And in the topic I write about in this blog, the substance of failed marriage and divorce, in many cases they do nothing to discourage this situation. And then they do nothing to fix the problem, educate the individual and make them a better disciple of God so that they can make themselves a better spouse in the future. I had a great DivorceCare leader who challenged us in this way. But the church body as a whole should press to make it known that not working on a marriage is not a Godly way to live.
I challenge you to really listen to your pastor’s sermons the next few weeks. Do they hold you accountable to do better, or are they just making you feel good about how you act? If they do not challenge you I suggest you begin seeking another church. In your own life, resolve to be more courageous and challenge your friends and family when you see them embarking on a poor path of choices. We are a community and “it’s not my business” is just a way for us to happily go on and look the other way. It is much more difficult to be persistent and point out how their choices are impacting them and their families. Good friends will understand and appreciate the honesty. Take a look at Jesus’ example. He did not go pounding on everyone’s door demanding to be heard, but when he saw a poor choice he educated the individual about it. He spoke in public but did not advertise on YouTube or in the local paper to boost his own ego, his reputation as a truth teller drew people to him. I’m not suggesting you get in someone’s face, just that you state facts as you see them. If a friend continues down a poor path, then when consequences arrive, they will most likely remember your counsel previously and return to you. Continuing to provide the truth, even though not easy, may eventually cause them to right their direction. Just as with Jesus at times they may move away from you because your message is uncomfortable, but in the long run many will see that it is a good message and will return. Find church leaders and a church body that does the same thing for its membership and help it grow and you will be doing your part to provide a supportive environment in the world and avoid the continued spread of irresponsibility in the world in the name of God.