Posts Tagged ‘marriage counseling’

The love secret

Posted: January 25, 2012 in Christian, God, Love

Psst.  Yeah you.  I have a secret to share.  Do you want to know how to stay happily in love in a relationship?  You do?  Something that many of us have lost especially with all the movies about romance and how it plays out is that movie romances are written by script writers, however our love story is written by God.  That’s the secret for having a totally different viewpoint on what your love should be.

Too many people, not sure if I would really say mostly women due to the fact they drive most of the romance industry, be it romantic comedies, romance novels or shows like the Bachelor, have this fantasy about what a loving relationship should be like.  The TV shows especially have this great propensity to feed into society’s desire to create brides and grooms but does nothing to create husbands and wives.  Maybe I’m more attuned to this given that a big portion of friction in my failed marriage was based on not being able to attain the love she saw in the movies.  We never ended up with some big break out of nowhere that made us rich and love drunk with each other for lack of want.  We had not had some love triangle or pentagon that had us in love with others only to realize in some crucial moment on horseback or in the car or in the bathroom or most importantly when the other was getting married to someone else that we really loved them and caused us to race around the globe to go get them.  In our marriage counseling sessions my ex was told that her view of relationships was the “fairy tale” format and was not realistic, yet she refused to believe that if she did not see fireworks when we kissed or have some other grand moment of Prince Charming coming in that it was really love.  It was certainly not the only factor to dissolve our marriage over time but it certainly played a key role.

We get fed this regular diet of perfectly scripted relationships.  How is that?  Because they ARE scripted.  It’s not the norm to get set up on a blind date by someone and find they are your soul mate.  Or to be asked by your dead friends to raise their baby together as strangers and fall madly in love.  The reason these stories resonate so much is that real, solid love is elusive so many want to see what it would be like.  But making a movie about how real love is built would not really be fun to watch.  It’s fun to live, because you have a key role and you feel the emotions and form the bonds, but someone watching you spend days talking about mundane topics to learn about each other’s character and dreams is not very exciting.  If you listen to God and let Him lead you to a connection with the right person, it is exhilarating.

In my case, I was hoping that God would show me someone, yet also being pragmatic in understanding that was very unlikely.  I was not going to follow Hollywood’s version of romance and just get involved with someone because things “clicked”.  I was open to the possibility of finding someone to build a life with but would do it with faith as the center.  My life experience had taught me that anything else was just too fickle.  Our choices are shaped by our belief in God and what we are taught by that.  Living that out daily helps us to see and trust each other more.  This is God’s plan for us and not some magical movie script that says that the divorced people should meet and live together happily ever after to make up for their earlier pain.  This is not the Brady Bunch where no one ever fights and the kids always work together like some fantasy version of Congress where we all just get along.  Things are raw and real and emotions get involved and the music does not rise on a moonlight night as the lovers run together and embrace on the beach.  We do however come together talking on the couch or the phone because we know we are both grounded in the same core and we gravitate towards that as we work through life’s challenges.

God has a plan for us.  In the process we will work through changing school districts for some of the kids and working out parenting time swaps so we can go on a honeymoon.  Would you spend $10 to watch a movie about that?  Probably not.  So when the movie writers create a romantic yarn they spin in the big moments, but life is not full of those.  God writes our stories in a much more relaxed manner where we deal with non-movie moments all the time.

That’s the secret to understanding how to happily and deeply stay in love.  If you want a big movie moment to happen every few months as the movies have you believe and when they don’t you begin to wonder if you are really in love, you will always fail.  Being happy in each other’s presence and working through general obstacles of job issues, parenting challenges and hurdles caused by exes is what a life long love is made of.  That’s the love story that God writes for each of us, but he expects us to be mature enough in our emotions and our faith to embrace that.   If we are not and we look for more excitement that’s when you fall apart and move towards breaking up, divorce or other ugly things.  Forrest Gump said “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get”.  What I do know is that if you want each chocolate to be perfect and taste wonderful you want a movie box, but if you know some of the chocolates are not your thing and you work to move forward then you want God’s box.  God does not promise happiness all the time.  Even in the Declaration of Independence, you are promised life and liberty, but only the “pursuit” of happiness.   Even brilliant men like Thomas Jefferson knew better than to guarantee that.  I love that I get to trust God with his plan for us and do my part in living as He would like me to, in His image.  God is love, and finding a godly woman is as close as we get to heaven on Earth.  I will enjoy the fun and entertainment that Hollywood provides in their scripted love stories but as for my own, I know it is written by God and I trust that it will be exactly as He has planned.