What do you do when you’re feeling lost?

I started this blog as a way to share my challenges and from time to time, what I felt were my solutions.  It was helpful, it gave me a sense of purpose as I was still raw with emotions and thoughts about my divorce and the impact it had to those around me, and I hoped it might help others, and I pray it has but I really have no way of knowing.   Over time as I got remarried things improved immensely and I got the sense that maybe all would be OK and my posts here diminished because I had less and less to say that I felt would be useful for others to read.   As I grew more and more frustrated with the state of the nation and the people within it, that also shut down my sharing here as this is not meant to be a political blog and I am certainly not an expert in politics, so my voice is not helpful in any way there except to rant.   I know the last post leaned into the political realm harder than anything else I have written, but I just was feeling so strongly that I felt it was time to share.  After all, I trust if this blog resonates with anyone it is because I am willing to say the hard things and open up about what I am feeling.

So today, for whatever reason, many things came crashing together than just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I’m feeling lost on many fronts.  I will be upfront, that right now, it’s unlikely that this post will contain any solutions, because that is part of the reason I’m feeling lost.  I feel like I’ve spent a good amount of time, months, if not years on some of the things bearing down on me taking them to God as a good Christian is instructed to do and trying to work out my place, my part, my whatever the phrase that fits is supposed to be and the emotions today made it clear to me I’ve not got things as well in hand as I may have thought even yesterday.  In those ways this feels a lot like when I first started this blog.  Rudderless, unsure where to turn, unsure what to do next, and more full of sadness than I’ve been at in a long time and so I’m hoping to a degree getting this down and starting the conversation on this forum that was meant to be a help to me and possibly to others who face similar things will help someone.   In that regard I would not be honest if there is not at least a little selfishness in writing today, and less hope that my trials will help others through theirs, so I state that just to be open with all of you, but with also no idea what that really means.  Again, I’m lost.   I am unable to get my thoughts together in a way that feels logical, intelligent, put together.   So let’s get into it.

The biggest and longest thing, is my kids.   I texted my DivorceCare(DC) leader this morning for the first time in years because one of the things that I guess I felt betrayed about was a key phrase that was repeated over and over to me and that I then later as a DC leader parroted, because it felt right.   “Keep doing the right thing, and when they grow up your kids will come around.”   As the alienated parent, the one that was to “blame” in the kids eyes, or whatever labels I had on me from society, from the kids, from Nan, from my family and friends, this was what I was told over and over to get me out of the valley of despair as my kids railed against me and eventually the blended family I was part of building.   I understood that perhaps it stemmed from those irrational hopes children harbor that their parents would work it out and it would all go back to “normal” but also knew without a shadow of a doubt that I never wanted that and it would never work.  I would be giving up, giving in, and miserable.   So we sent them to counseling, went with them to family counseling, we talked, listened, reprimanded, guided.   I did all the things I felt I was taught to do by my Christian faith and human decency to be a “good” parent, gritting my teeth through the pain of rejection and hatred and untruths keeping that motto in front of me; “it will all work out in the end”.  Bullshit.

Yet here I sit, writing this today, with at best tenuous ties with any of my three children.   Marcia is as she has been, transgender and trying to find her way, now married to, as last explained to me, a non-gendered partner (I still get confused on the pronouns so sorry if I offend anyone with the wording here.  I’m trying.)   We have been supportive.  We went to her ceremony.  My church pastors could not agree on the “right” path here, with some saying we should not go, and some saying we should.   On the one hand sticking with Christian doctrine and clearly showing our apartness from the situation and on the other modeling Christian love and acceptance, for as Jesus said it is not the healthy who need a physician.   Again, this I guess is a part of my lostness.   While I certainly understand what the Bible says on these areas and what it does not say, leaving the way to fill in the pieces from other spaces, even what I just wrote sounds harsh, as if I do not accept my daughter.   But I do.  I love her.   But I also would have liked a different path for her.  But I also respect it is her path to choose and to love her on it.   I am not trying to get her to change.  I am meeting her where she is, understanding that she also knows what I believe, and so I assume that is what causes the space between us.   She will respond to texts of happy birthday or others in a civil way, but there is no desire to connect.  I’ve not lost her, but there is at best a fleeting acknowledgement of me as her father, but no connection as I had hoped would develop over time as she saw us live out our faith and our caring and love for her won out.  I waited patiently for what I had been told to play out. She and her partner struggle from what I last knew because while her partner had gotten a nursing degree she is afraid to take it up as a career for whatever reason.   At one point we tried to discuss it with them and it was a litany of “after this” or “after that” happens.   That was years ago.  As best we can tell they struggle financially and have it within their means to make the road much easier but choose not to.

With Cindy, this is likely my best connection, but it is still horrendous by expectations of what a good father-daughter relationship might be as she transitions to adulthood.   She is set to graduate college this spring but conversations we’ve had and where she’s clearly indicated a desire to not have me in her life make it difficult to not fall into the belief that she even bothers to maintain a relationship with me just in case some financial need arises.   After being in danger of losing her scholarship, which was not insubstantial at $8,000 per year, after a terrible start in her chosen major while dealing with other poor choices around alcohol at the school leading her to tell us in her first semester she wanted to drop out or at least withdraw for a while, she has been blessed to not have had that happen, even though her GPA has never been high enough to meet the requirements of continuation.   We can only thank God for that.  She has listened to tough news about the challenges she would face in covering those gaps and stepped up and through moving to an off campus apartment and attempts at work (which could have been better and certainly were nowhere near the strains I put myself through when going to college) to pay for her apartment herself for the majority of the previous school year.   We had agreed that we could pick that up as needed from her college savings and that is all the costs we have provided for her over the last year and she will end up with something remaining when she graduates versus the deep hole she appeared to likely be facing three years ago.   She is also the only child who eventually seemed to return to Christianity and has been part of a Christian group on campus since her sophomore year and that also changed her circle of friends.  She has tried more counseling on her own, as well as some medication for her mental health issues, and we have been supportive along with providing guidance to encourage her to keep working at things to set herself up for a life not requiring those supports permanently.   She seems to be making strides there, but it is not a topic she has discussed with us much so I can only speculate.   I hold out a little hope that perhaps her connection to God will change her heart towards me but I am afraid to hope for that too much, as the disappointment would be something I’d rather avoid, so I lightly tread a path I try to figure out how best to navigate every day.

Finally Greg has been the largest failure on my front as a parent.   At this point we are about 18 months from when he ceased communication with me entirely, a few months before his 18^th birthday.  At that time he moved in with his mom, and Nan facilitated a conversation between us to avoid the disconnection, but it really was just him explaining he did not need me as a father and he wanted nothing to do with me.   I made a few attempts in the first few months to text or call when things came up such as important mail arriving or being concerned that he might forget a key deadline.   I was letting him know that despite his direct and hurtful message I was not being bitter towards him.   No response was received.   He reached out once, very matter-of-factly to inquire about whether his 529 savings were available as he began his freshman college year last fall and I paid what was needed at that point, and was up front with him, as I have been with all the kids about what was remaining if he needed it.   Spring semester has begun long ago and I know the deadline for payment has long passed, and nothing was heard, so I can only assume he worked out alternative methods of financing his education, continuing down the path he stated so clearly on that final call where he said he wanted nothing to do with me as soon as possible.   A W-2 for him arrived early this year and I let him know it was here and he’d need it for his taxes, and never heard anything.  After a month I got it over to Nan and it is now with her.  Again certainly I’d love for things to change between us, but that is not up to me.  As any parent, I am always willing to rebuild a broken relationship with any child, just as the story of the prodigal son models in the Bible.

As the years have gone by my wife has been supportive and tried in her own way to help, but just last week as I was having an argument with one of her kids she said “maybe you’ll just push them all away” indicating to me that perhaps she actually has some blame for me in what happened with my kids and is worried I will somehow ruin the relationship she has with hers.   So yeah, I feel lost.   I thought I was doing the right things, as much as any imperfect human creature can, but perhaps that is not how others see it.  

I am very happy that my wife’s kids seem to have at least started to break the strangle hold that Bert has had on them.   As Peter nears 18 as the youngest they all seem to have a healthy skepticism but I struggle with the likely permanent taint he has on their personalities and psyches.   They do not have healthy and proper views of death and violence in my opinion.  Far too often the joke of any of the kids, male or female when expressing negative views of someone or something is “stab them” or some variation.  When I raise it as something they really should cut out they indicate it is a joke, and it is not as if any signs of taking things beyond words have ever been there, but the fact that they do not see the inappropriateness of this as the go to, is a problem.   They were exposed to far too many things at far too young an age because of Bert, and I am not certain that can ever be reversed, but just as with anything, the first step to change that is to want to by that individual, as the massive blind spots they have in how they react so differently to most of society on almost anything makes them seeking to change that very unlikely.   Will it impact them in relationships, whether work, personal or romantic remains to be seen.   Will they care?  Will it be the typical, “well if they don’t like it then I do not need them as a friend”?   The kids views on many topics hold this taint.  It’s a bit like the blackness of the dagger from the Wheel of Time on Mat, where Bert’s evil just has seeped into their pores and I wonder which side will win.    Right now I think they are all doing as well as they could, but it pains me to think what they could be if not for the dead weight that is that impact of him and his behaviors on their lives.  Will Bert’s distorted views of appropriate romantic relationships lead them down terrible paths?   Jan has had at least one relationship that got her connected with an abusive partner and I’d challenge anyone to find a way to say that Bert’s influence on how she perceives the world had nothing to do with it.   While normally an affinity for the military is a wonderful good thing, Bert’s exaggerations about his time in the Marines have created a slant there in the kids that is not entirely healthy.   The abusive partner was going into the military.  In fact my wife and I agreed that was a justification to allow him to move into our home for a time when his family dynamic was troubled before he went off to boot camp, but in hindsight this man was flawed for certain and our daughter had to pay a price for that.   I had to have a couple stern conversations with him about what was and was not acceptable in our home and he ultimately used that lack of “freedom” to convince Jan to move to Bert’s where he had a more open environment to have his way.   These are the choices and trials that are open to children of divorce that make it hard to parent.   There is always a chance the Disneyland or another place to live is there.   The impacts I see of Bert’s twisted view of reality and social mores are vast in his children and I worry for their well being every day.   They are in the best place they have ever been, but that does not stop the concern because every day brings some comment or conversation this crosses that line, and while we know the backstory that drives that, others who have yet to interact with them do not, and I find no way to feel they will not struggle because of it.  As they are in or near adulthood our influence shifts to guides rather than authorities and we’re nearly done with that transition after six of them, so any changes now are far more up to them than us.

Next, my parents situation is a segment of my feeling lost.   For many years my mother cared for her mother as she went through Alzheimer’s and eventually passed away this past summer well into her 90s.   While she was in a nursing home for years at the end, my mother was present nearly all day most days of the week and this took a toll on their marriage and her health for certain.   My father had confided in me in a rare emotional moment of transparency for him years ago that we was resentful of the fact that the fantasy of the retirement he had worked for and envisioned all his life was being stolen from them by the situation and my mother’s choices on how to handle it.   He was worried that by the time they had a chance for that, it would be too late.   In the last month it is beginning to appear that his worst fears were correct.   We are still discovering exactly what is the situation, for having Eastern European parents who are as transparent and open with their lives as a 5 foot thick bank vault door makes it nearly impossible to know.  From what I have gleaned thus far my father has been diagnosed with cancer, likely prostate, and will learn more from his oncologist in early March after tests a few weeks back.   My mother just underwent her second knee replacement and is struggling with all the disabilities exacerbated by her unrelenting driving of herself to feed, bathe, clothe and provide all the care for my grandmother even though she was in a facility that provides that.   They never did it to her standards, just as no one ever has met their expectations, be it landscapers, doctors, physical therapists, friends or even their children.  I have prayed for years that what my father was worried about would not come to pass and they would have at least a year or two before one of them was called back home, to live that retirement he worked his entire life for.   As the walls are closing in around any possibility of that happening, this has also settled in as a burden on me that I can do nothing about, but because of my love for those involved makes it impossible to not feel.   I can easily put myself in their shoes, and while they will never ever tell  me how they feel, because that’s not what they do, I know one or both of them feel deeply betrayed and/or resentful.   I still usually call them weekly and without fail before the short call is over they are arguing amongst themselves about something trivial as if it’s the most important thing in the world. This is not a healthy marriage. It’s as if they have no idea how to deal with each other because they never spent focus on themselves. It’s heartbreaking and difficult.   There are many things my dad is that I have worked to distance myself from as I hated them growing up.   A heavy drinker, a believer in the belt over a conversation, a workaholic over time with family, a closed off man emotionally from his family and friends.    Just as I noted above the influence of Bert on his children, none of us escapes becoming like our parents without willful, forceful, painful struggle.   I’m a work in progress like any other man.   I listen when my wife raises a concern that touches on any of these as well as others that might not be in that list and try to improve, though I sometimes fail, it is never for lack of trying.   I have made peace with my parents not being long for this world a while ago as they get up there in age.   I am comfortable that they are going to a better place, and not being wrapped in the Catholic dogma of purgatory and works, will rejoice at their homegoing while I mourn the loss of being able to speak with them or spend time with them when things allow.   As it sits right now, they are unsure if they will be up to making the trip to Cindy’s graduation in three months.   My mother says my dad is already speaking with her about being done in less than a year even though he’s not yet talked to he doctor. He does not want to talk about it with anyone, even her. My mother feels she’ll never really be able to walk well again. What their plans would be if they did I am not privy to, it’s just not their way.   Their business is theirs and no others, even their kids.   I pray things will get better for them, but it will take a miracle from God for that to happen.

Next, I am lost about work.   I have a job I enjoy.  I feel like the work we do helps others, which is really what drives me.   I get paid well for what I do.  However, I work for a public company where everything is driven by the last earnings report and therefore am never secure in knowing I can work here as long as I need.   I do not love my job as my wife does.   I tolerate it because I know enough about the world of work after nearly four decades in it that I know the grass is not always greener on the other side, in fact it may be quicksand, so I plant myself somewhere and make the best of it.   That’s what I’m doing now and I think I see the end of the tunnel, but maybe not.

Lastly, and a rather new item into the mix, is my wife’s desire to perhaps begin a new chapter of her life as a tea room owner.   I’m very supportive of the idea of looking at it, but all indications so far are this is not really viable.   I may find out I am wrong as we do more analysis, but with what I know so far, the business barely sustains itself and is therefore on the razor’s edge of moving from a business to an anchor around our financial necks as we get close to the end of our forced employment.   Even if it is self sustaining the proper evaluation of a business we would off load when we moved to our target retirement location out of state, is an exit strategy.   My wife may be harboring this vision of one of the kids takes it over.  Does that comes from her family having insurance, truck stop, repair shop, winery and other business over their lives, or even have a bit of Bert’s coffee shop endeavors in it?   No idea, and the wonderful thing about stone cold analysis, is it does not matter.  What matters is the exit strategy, in my mind, is either sell it to someone else, which I think will be brutally hard, or sell it to whatever kid wants to take it over, which I think will be just as hard.   What is not viable is for us to keep owning and paying for the loans on it, or being attached to it in any way.   We’re still in the midst of exploration.   As my wife has rightfully pointed out, we explored my interest in an Amazon delivery startup, but that never got past the point of even getting to see the real financials so that dream rose and died without me even being able to think of it as more than a fantasy.   The only thing that will stop us in this attempt will be us, so we are already much further down the road than I was ever able to get with that and my analysis there was the same stone cold truth of does it make us better off or not, including getting out, because having those variable costs around your neck as you are on a fixed income is a recipe for financial disaster.   If we do this, I am 99.9% certain my timeline for moving from forced work just got a lot longer.  I and my wife will likely do things whether for pay or volunteering long after that period, at least that’s my intention.  My wife thinks I mean “twiddling my thumbs” when I talk about retiring.  Not sure where she got that notion as I’ve never said I’d do nothing, but I will do what I find interesting and enjoy, such as financial coaching or mentoring, not what someone makes me do as a job for them that I have little choice about, and I would expect her to do something similar.   Even if we “did nothing” the reason for us wanting to move near the Smoky Mountains is that “nothing” would involve multiple trips each week to go hiking and enjoy our non-scheduled lives.

As I’ve wrestled with all these things, some for longer than others, a big part of my feeling of confusion is that typically I’d have spent a lot of time talking with a best friend about this whose opinion and input I truly valued.   Sadly, that friend has been gone for over a year, taken away in his early 50s by brain cancer.   He was someone that for well over a decade I’d spoken with often and I know would have wonderful input on all these things.   I have tried to find others who I can build that level of trust with but have been unsuccessful for reasons unknown to me.   Perhaps it really is true that we should consider ourselves blessed if we find a friend like that at all, and I certainly am, as that relationship was one of the most important in my life and one I know I will think about and miss the rest of my life.   He certainly was someone gone far too soon.

So I warned you in the beginning, that I likely will not have any answers for you on this post, and as I wrap up, I don’t.    It is all almost too much to bear.   These are all heavy topics and have a proportional impact on my life and the joy, or lack of, that I feel each day.  As I said at the start, I’ve not felt this uncertain about large portions of what the future holds since my divorce, so in that respect it is familiar.   It is different in wonderful ways.   My wife and I love each other and work together and that makes all the difference compared to that dark time when I was truly alone and finding my way through uncertainty.   I’ve tried to share other positives I certainly see in discussing each item that has them and there are certainly more I’ve neglected to mention.  I do not feel I’m depressed, I just get sadder than I’d like as I think about the things I’ve shared.   I’ll keep trying, it just gets harder to find the strength to keep coming at these items when I see no path that makes sense to follow. Eventually the only option becomes grin and bear it.   Most I can do nothing about and I am forced to react to what others do, and so certainly there is a lack of control that comes into this.   Our church is just starting to study the book of Job, and while these trials, while large to me, pale in comparison to what Job went through losing everything and perhaps this is all God’s way to get me to better appreciate whatever we will learn over the course of the next year as we study that book.   As you can tell, I am trying to learn what God has to teach me with all this.   To do without love of family by having my kids removed?   To come to grips with some lessons about dying or setting what you’d like aside for what you feel you should do by having me watch as my parents last chapter seems to be headed down a decidedly dark path?   With my own work, retirement and impacts from various directions that can drastically alter where I thought the path was leading, I cannot even begin to speculate.   All I know with any certainty is how I feel.   I feel lost.  I feel decidedly less fun.   I feel overwhelmed.   I feel stuck.   I feel humbled.   I suppose I feel a bit scared.   I feel less hope.  Not hopeless, but less hope.  I have no pithy summary to wrap this up with.   To do that I need to understand, and I just don’t.   I’ve tried to apply all my intelligence, logic and emotional IQ and come up short, far, far short of anything satisfying.   It just sucks.   I’m very uncomfortable in this space.  I want out, but I can’t find a way.   I’ll keep working at it, and hopefully one day the Lord will show me a path on these fronts to get to a better place.   Until then I rely on what I have for as long as I can remember.   God knows the plan.   I trust in God.   For now that’s all I got.  Put praise the Lord, that’s no small potatoes.